Filling in the Gaps

I’ve finally started asking questions about Jacob’s delivery – trying to remember moments that have been wiped clear from my mind – thanks to some trauma and a little amnesia medication. I’ll spare you all the gory details but I’ll give you the just of it. My delivery experience with Jacob was not fun – after a 3 day failed induction, battling with pitocin, 3 epidurals, Jacob’s heart rate not responding well to the pitocin, failure to dilate past 5 cm…I ended up with an c-section where my epidural wore off mid way and I felt the entire pain of the procedure they were doing. The doctors gave me an amnesia medication – I guess to help me forget the trauma of what was happening in the O.R. but what ended up happening instead – was that I remembered the trauma and forgot the actually birth of my son.

Everything has always been pretty cloudy – I have memories of hearing them say 6 pounds and me repeating that I was surprised he was so small….that’s basically all I remember. The past couple of days I’ve been asking Michael and my mother questions about what happened during that delivery – trying desperately to fill in the blanks. I avoided it for so long because I did not want to return to that O.R. and recall the events that took place – but I feel now that I want to know every detail of Jacob’s birth. There are pictures of me with Jacob just before he was whisked away to the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) that I just don’t remember taking. I have no memory of seeing Jacob on the day he was born – but I remember the emotion of love and if I can hold onto that emotion that I felt that day – of pure motherly love – then I know I have enough.

I recall waking up in the morning – still groggy from the medication they were releasing into my spine and there on the bedside table was a picture of this beautiful child – with a tube down his throat and oxygen prongs in his nose – I just wanted to see him….Mike had placed that picture there for me so that when I woke up I could see our son – our beautiful perfect son….to this very day that picture is my most favourite – because to is the first time I saw him, got to look at every detail of him, and love him more. This picture is probably as close as I can get… was taken about a half hour to an hour after he was born – the first picture I saw looked somewhat similar to this one but not exact ….

This was him a few weeks after we brought him home….sleeping as peacfully as he was in the above picture…

And this is him now…

It’s hard to believe isn’t it? How quickly the moment of birth has passed and now we are just over 4 months away from his birthday. I feel it is important for me to know all the details that went down after he was born. I have always felt robbed….that it wasn’t fair that I couldn’t kiss him and tell him how much he was loved on his first day in this world….I hope that Mike told him how much I loved him…..I make sure to tell him over and over how loved he is – every day of his life.

Memories are not always the happiest – but they are our memories – they mold us and make us who we cannot be without them. I will always feeled robbed of those first hours of my son’s life – but I will always feel blessed that we both survived and our here to share the stories of our lives with each other – stories that will continue to develop their plot over time – nurtured with the arms of each other, with love, with compassion, and with endurance – the endurance we all need to experience life.

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