Waitress: Would you like anything to drink with that Sir?
Jacob: Hook me with some formula toots….and make it warm.
Jacob fell flat on his face today. He was doing his normal walk along furniture thing and then decided that while Mama had her back turned, that he’d let go and try to do it by himself. He fell face first into the hardwood floor smacking his face and forehead on the ground – He cried hard and I almost cried too. I scooped him up and tried to sooth him and after about 15 seconds of strong hard cries he calmed down enough for me to inspect his face and head. There did not seem to be any bruises, bumps, cuts, etc. so I continued to comfort him. While we were rocking together in the chair, he fell fast asleep. I’ve been watching him for the past hour while he sleeps and he seems ok – I woke him up once and he smiled at me, put his pacifier in his mouth and fell back asleep. I think he’s ok but obviously I’m worried as any mother would be when their infant experiences a fall and ends up fast asleep shortly after. I shouldn’t be too alarmed…this is clearly the time everyday that he takes a nap – so he has every right to be tired.
My head is throbbing today from lack of sleep last night – I couldn’t fall asleep last night until almost 1am and that’s unusal for me since I’m usually in bed by 1030pm. I usually stay awake till after 11pm on Monday’s when Mike goes out to play his nerdy trivia games – He usually doesn’t get hom till 11:15pm and I have a bad habit of staying awake until I know he’s home safely. I’ve taken two advil to try and get rid of this horrendous headache but its just not going anywhere and I doubt it is going to leave anytime soon. I liken a headache unto a drill that is trying to get through concrete – the kind of concrete that a drill could never get through so it just hammers and hammers away at it, just chipping pieces away.
I watched A Baby Story today – it was the first time I really paid any attention to it since having Jacob. It was as normal as any of their episodes, with the happy perfect smiling families and they’re perfectly healthy happy babies being born. I was just sort of bored with the show until the baby was actually born and it was placed on the Mom’s chest and the Mom and Dad fawned over the newborn and held it close – This caused me to realize how much I’d give to have that moment with Jacob, to have the situation that we went through reversed – to just be given a moment, just a minute moment in time to just have THAT experience with him. Obviously there is no going back, there will not be another moment after birth for Jacob – our experiences will always be different thent he “norm”…but what we have is special too….Ours is a story of strength, of overcoming, of watching him go from a level three NICU to being at home with us, to now. Everything happens for a reason they say – I sometimes wonder what the reason was for us that we had to deal with incubators and tubes and doctors instead of THAT one moment when people hold their babies and all the family comes in and gathers round – and everyone celebrates. I think people still celebrated with us – they just didn’t get to see him right away.
I’m rambling now.
Shut up Melissa
Jacob loves to drink water from our cups.
We have invested a lot of money in bottles, sippy cups, even his own plastic cups – but the water CLEARLY doesn’t taste the same unless it comes from Mommy or Daddy’s cup. I’ve tried to trick him by drinking out of his cup but he can’t be fooled – He is on to us and our evil ways. In his head he is mocking us, silently but deliberately.
Tonight he drank water from a glass of water that Mike had poured. He would take a sip and then a breath and then as he was exhaling he’d leap forward and thrust his mouth back onto the glass before either of us could take the glass away – cus we’re pure evil like that – shame on us for wanting some of OUR water – the water we poured to quench our thirst. Before you become a parent make sure you’re not selfish in any way – cus nothing is yours…the baby owns it all – get use to coming in second. You will drink your water even if it has baby back wash.
So back to my completely uninteresting story….
Jacob continued to take sips from the glass until it was EMPTY…and I’m not just talking empty…I’m talking bone dry, fish gonna die if he lived in that glass empty. And then Jacob spoke to us very clearly and very directly….
There has to be more water.
WHERE is the water?
Don’t play with my mind – give me the water!!!
I NEED THE WATER!!
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME!! WHERE is the water?!?!?
MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMY – the water is GONE….
fill up the water!
Seriously parentals – I want more water.
Mama? Dada? Cat? Anybody?
I’d just like for the glass to be filled again.
Ok maybe the language wasn’t as clear as that…perhaps it came across more like AHHHHHHHHHHHHH……GAHHHHHHHHHHHHH…..MAAAAAAAAAAAA….
But we knew what he was saying….
So we gave him his pacifier….and he forgot about the water.
These thoughts are crazy random! I shared them on a public message forum and thought they’d make a good blog entry. Try hard not to be too amused.
I’m overwhelmed at the thought of throwing my son a first birthday party in just under 3 months. I don’t know who to invite – I can’t even decide on what decorations I want to use. I’m so lame. lol. Time is moving to quickly and I’m overwhelmed. I don’t want to go back to work but then I do. For some reason that doesn’t make sense to me. Life moves too quickly these days.
Jacob is asleep and I should be too, but I am not. Instead, I am sitting here trying to make the invitations for his party. I keep scraping what I have done and starting over. I should just go to bed – It’s late and I don’t have any more work done on the invitation then I had an hour ago. Blah.
Tomorrow Mike and I are hardcore dieters again. I hate that. I hate needing to diet. I wish I was thin and beautiful like everyone else I know. Heck I don’t even wanna be thin and beautiful – I just wanna be “chubby” and decent. Bitter, Party of One, your table is waiting. lol. I’m sorry I’m being lame again. I just wish for like 2 years of my life I could have one of those hollow legs – you know the kind where the food just drops into and you never gain a pound? Chocolate cake would taste so great with one of those legs.
I’m listening to the Dreamgirls soundtrack. Music always makes me feel better.
I went to toys r us today to buy a present for Jacob for his FIRST birthday because it was on sale. Just the thought of buying FIRST birthday presents seems impossible to me – but I did it today and I’ve sat here staring at it for the past 45 minutes – like it was poison or something – but really its a really cute Little People’s Farm Set – but to me, at this moment – it’s arsenic. He can’t be turning one. I’ll put it away in the back of the closet tonight inside of like 43 plastic bags…maybe that will make time go slower – somehow I doubt it.
Mike is putting ground beef into ziploc bags and asking me “is this enough?”. We buy our ground beef from costco which always gets seperated into like six or seven ziploc bags to be used for various meals. He wants my opinion about how much is good enough to constitute a meal – it’s usually something that I do when we come home with the meat because I prepare most of the meals. He wanted to do it today – shrugs, whatever floats his boat i suppose.
When I woke up this morning I glanced at the Calendar and I saw that it read March 9th and for a moment I sat there in disbelief that it could be true – I wanted to flip back the pages just a little bit so that I could relive a few of the awesome times I’ve had with you. I stood there staring at the calendar and for a few moments I couldn’t breath – my heart may have even skipped a few beats. You brought me back to reality with a chorus of dadadadadada and I turned and scooped you up and I gave you one of those tight bear hugs we both love and I said – Happy 9 Months old Mama’s boy. You looked up at me with your pacifier in your hands and perhaps the biggest morning smile I’ve seen in a long while – and then you offered to share the pacifier with me (this has been your new trick lately) and I graciously accepted as if we were sharing a piece of 9 month old birthday cake with each other.
In the past month I feel like you have changed so much – I think you’re starting to make that shift that comes at 12 months when you’re no longer considered an infant but rather a toddler. I love how you approach life with this “no fear” approach because you’re not like us adults – you haven’t learned to fear life yet – I hope you never do. You started cruising along the furniture this month and once you’d mastered that skill you moved on to more difficult feats such as the low window ledge in the living room. There have been many mornings that I’ve sat back and watched you lean stand up against the window ledge and peer out our giant living room window. I sometimes wonder what you’re thinking when you look out at that great big world out there – Are you curious about what it all means? Are you afraid because it looks so big for a small guy like you? Are you excited about getting out there and experiencing it all? Whatever it is that you are thinking, it doesn’t stop you from pulling up to stand at that ledge and peer your big blue eyes out that window – I want you to know that whatever it is that you’re thinking when you’re looking out at the world- that Daddy and I will be there for you – for as long as we can, helping you to understand what it all means – who knows…maybe you’ll teach us a thing or two as well – we could only hope.
Your eyes are still the most beautiful shade of blue I can imagine. As the days go on I continue to wonder what the final colour will be….will they be brown like mine? Maybe the same colour blue as your Daddy? Or perhaps an intresting combo of the two of us? I secretly hope that they’ll stay blue forever so that every time I look at Daddy’s eyes…I’ll be reminded of you and every time I look at your eyes…I’ll ve reminded of Daddy – two of my most favourite people int he entire world. There have been times in the past month where I was certain that your eyes were starting to make the transition to brown like mine and I suppose that would be okay too – but then a few days later they’d be back to their sparkly blue colour and I was obviously mistaken. You’re 9 months old now and “they” say that your eyes could change at any point up till your second birthday – no matter what colour they end up being, you’ll still be the most beautiful baby in the entire world to me.
This past month the baby of another Mommy that I know died. I won’t try to explain to you what death is because there is just so much to understand about that topic – but what it means is that the little baby is no longer living here with her Mommy. When I heard this sad news, I thought about you and what I’d feel if you weren’t here with me anymore….and it was really sad and hard for Mommy to think of you being gone. Jacob I can’t imagine living one day without you – I can’t imagine not having you to hold and love and kiss every single day of my life. I want you to know that I would do anything for you and I’m going to try my best to be a good Mommy to you – I can’t be perfect because neither you nor I or anyone else for that matter can be perfect – so I want you to know that I might make mistakes – but we’ll learn and change and grow together. Where ever you are in this world – whether its now or 20 years from now – know that I am loving every breath of who you are and thinking of you in the most fond way possible –
I loved you when you were not even here.
I loved you when you were in my tummy.
I loved you the minute you were born.
I love you know……for exactly who you are this second…
I’ll love you when you’re a toddler.
I’ll love you when you’re a teenager.
I’ll love you when you’re all grown up.
Whatever you are….Where ever you are – I love you with every possible breath that I can take.
Jacob likes to put his pacifier in his mouth upside down – it’s his new favorite thing to do. Every now and then we’ll flip it back to normal for him and he’ll just pull it out and put it back in upside down. I’d like to believe that when he does this (flipping his pacifier back around after we’ve switched it) that in his own way he tells us that he doesn’t want to conform to how the world dictates things should be. I’d like to believe that he is already a distinct individual, telling everyone that he is who he is and they have to accept him that way – even if it means they have to look at him with an upside down pacifier.
When I reflect back on my own youth I remember a strong yearning to conform, to feel like I needed to look and act like everyone else. I remember wanting the same cool tennis shoes that everyone else wore and wanting to shop at the Gap and wear those GIANT gold hoop earrings that all the pretty girls wore – I think I tried too hard or maybe not hard enough cus I was never quite there. I wasn’t an outcast but I certainly wasn’t the most popular girl on the block. I really hope that Jacob never feels like that a day in my life – yet part of me knows that this is what is unfortunate about the world today – that there are too many expectations about how to be a youth and those expectations seem to come from their peers. I want him to be exactly who he wants to be – to play hockey if that’s what he wants to do, or dance ballet if that’s his hearts desire – I want him to be comfortable and in love with who he is. I want so much for him – because I know he deserves it.
I hope he continues to put his pacifier in upside down until the day he decides that that’s just not his style anymore – and then we’ll support him with his next thing – even if its wearing one pink sock and one blue.
I’m having a blah day for the first time in a while. I’m usually a pretty upbeat, laidback, go with the flow kind of person but today every small thing that comes up is irritating the heck outta me! I have had the worst migraine for the past 18 hours and I’m suffering ALOT. To add salt to my already gaping wound, Jacob is teething again which means he is really needy of my attention today and I’m so triggered by noise when I have migraines that I’m just exhausted from giving him all my attention today – not that I don’t give him my attention every day but today it just seems like he needed a little bit more. What I need right now is for Mike to come home so I can crawl into bed, close my eyes, and not wake up till 14 hours later-without the headache.
It’s obvious to me today that Jacob has gone through a growth spurt because he’s just getting so much taller! It’s hard to believe that on Friday he’ll be 9 months old-I feel like I’m living in denial about his aging process-I’d like for him to stay small forever I think- but then I realize that if he stayed small forever I’d miss out on things like his first day of school, his first science project, his first hockey game, his first date, his first MVP for his goal scoring in the NHL – okay okay I got carried away on that last one!!! I’m excited about watching him experience life and I feel like I’m reliving my own childhood through him in an awkward sort of way-I suppose you wouldn’t understand unless you have your own child.
I can definitely tell that Jacob is going to be a mover and a shaker! He’s all over the place already and he’s only 8.98 months old! He loves to crawl all around the apartment and pull up to standing on anything he can get his hands on – the coffee table, the couch, the rocker, the kitchen table, the tv stand, his laugh and learn home, the window ledge – he’s such an adventurer already. I’d like to believe that his genuine curiosity means he’ll have an interest in living life to the fullest – experiencing ever moment like its never happened before – I don’t want him to feel rushed in anything. Carpe Diem….sieze the day!
A funny yet not so funny situation happened today! Jacob has had a HUGE interest in the cat food dish in the kitchen and in the past couple of week’s he’s plotted how he’d get to that dish and get his very own taste! We blocked off the kitchen entrances and were pretty sure we had successfully blocked him from his first real taste of cat food! He was playing in the living room like he always does and I took off quickly to go to the bathroom – a few moments later I returned to see half his body poking out from the blockade and the other half in the kitchen! I entered the kitchen at the exact moment he reached for the cat food and put two pieces in his mouth! He looked up at me and went MMMMMMM….as if to say ha ha Mom I got it and it tastes good! I scooped him up and dug the two pieces of cat food out of his mouth and he immediately began crying as if I had stolen a delicacy from his mouth! I have no doubt that he’ll be back in that darn kitchen for a second helping of cat food at his first opportunity so for now the cat will dine on the dining room table – until we can teach Jacob that cat food is for cat’s and cheerios are for little boys.
Once upon a time…
We bought a new laptop.
Our laptop was defective.
Don’t get me started.
The entire city was sold out of the one we had and wanted.
I was ticked off big time.
Then “Norman” from Best Buy called and said he found one.
Mike rushed out and did the exchange.
Then I wasn’t ticked off anymore.
End of story….
Unless this new one is defective too…..