9 Months Old: A Letter

When I woke up this morning I glanced at the Calendar and I saw that it read March 9th and for a moment I sat there in disbelief that it could be true – I wanted to flip back the pages just a little bit so that I could relive a few of the awesome times I’ve had with you. I stood there staring at the calendar and for a few moments I couldn’t breath – my heart may have even skipped a few beats. You brought me back to reality with a chorus of dadadadadada and I turned and scooped you up and I gave you one of those tight bear hugs we both love and I said – Happy 9 Months old Mama’s boy. You looked up at me with your pacifier in your hands and perhaps the biggest morning smile I’ve seen in a long while – and then you offered to share the pacifier with me (this has been your new trick lately) and I graciously accepted as if we were sharing a piece of 9 month old birthday cake with each other.

In the past month I feel like you have changed so much – I think you’re starting to make that shift that comes at 12 months when you’re no longer considered an infant but rather a toddler. I love how you approach life with this “no fear” approach because you’re not like us adults – you haven’t learned to fear life yet – I hope you never do. You started cruising along the furniture this month and once you’d mastered that skill you moved on to more difficult feats such as the low window ledge in the living room. There have been many mornings that I’ve sat back and watched you lean stand up against the window ledge and peer out our giant living room window. I sometimes wonder what you’re thinking when you look out at that great big world out there – Are you curious about what it all means? Are you afraid because it looks so big for a small guy like you? Are you excited about getting out there and experiencing it all? Whatever it is that you are thinking, it doesn’t stop you from pulling up to stand at that ledge and peer your big blue eyes out that window – I want you to know that whatever it is that you’re thinking when you’re looking out at the world- that Daddy and I will be there for you – for as long as we can, helping you to understand what it all means – who knows…maybe you’ll teach us a thing or two as well – we could only hope.

Your eyes are still the most beautiful shade of blue I can imagine. As the days go on I continue to wonder what the final colour will be….will they be brown like mine? Maybe the same colour blue as your Daddy? Or perhaps an intresting combo of the two of us? I secretly hope that they’ll stay blue forever so that every time I look at Daddy’s eyes…I’ll be reminded of you and every time I look at your eyes…I’ll ve reminded of Daddy – two of my most favourite people int he entire world. There have been times in the past month where I was certain that your eyes were starting to make the transition to brown like mine and I suppose that would be okay too – but then a few days later they’d be back to their sparkly blue colour and I was obviously mistaken. You’re 9 months old now and “they” say that your eyes could change at any point up till your second birthday – no matter what colour they end up being, you’ll still be the most beautiful baby in the entire world to me.

This past month the baby of another Mommy that I know died. I won’t try to explain to you what death is because there is just so much to understand about that topic – but what it means is that the little baby is no longer living here with her Mommy. When I heard this sad news, I thought about you and what I’d feel if you weren’t here with me anymore….and it was really sad and hard for Mommy to think of you being gone. Jacob I can’t imagine living one day without you – I can’t imagine not having you to hold and love and kiss every single day of my life. I want you to know that I would do anything for you and I’m going to try my best to be a good Mommy to you – I can’t be perfect because neither you nor I or anyone else for that matter can be perfect – so I want you to know that I might make mistakes – but we’ll learn and change and grow together. Where ever you are in this world – whether its now or 20 years from now – know that I am loving every breath of who you are and thinking of you in the most fond way possible –

I loved you when you were not even here.

I loved you when you were in my tummy.

I loved you the minute you were born.

I love you know……for exactly who you are this second…

I’ll love you when you’re a toddler.

I’ll love you when you’re a teenager.

I’ll love you when you’re all grown up.

Whatever you are….Where ever you are – I love you with every possible breath that I can take.

XOXO

Mama

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