This week was my first week back at work after 14 months off of work for maternity leave. It has been a process much like our very first week apart when Jacob was in the N.I.C.U. after he was born – filled with emotions that include worry, stress, exhaustion, happiness, sadness, and feelings of being overwhelmed. I missed him like crazy this past week, the same way I missed him when he was in his incubator at the hospital and I was not with him. I found myself wondering what he was doing and if he enjoyed lunch….I wondered if he missed sitting on our stoop and sharing a banana with his mama. I’d like to believe that he is missing me as much as I am missing him but that he is finding a better and more effective way to cope besides moping.
This week has been so different then the last oh say 54 weeks of my life. I find myself surrounded by adult conversation with adults who frankly could care less that just two weeks ago Jacob ate poop for the first time. I’m conversing about politics and econonmics and all those things that use to captivate me – and I find myself feeling suffocated in those conversations forcing myself to take breaths before the water of non child related conversation drowns me. I assure myself that at any moment I will snap out of it and all of a sudden I will care about what is going in this world outside of motherhood. The truth of the matter is……I doubt that I will ever snap out this motherhood syndrome so to speak…because it has become me and I hope that in time I will become afflicted with my old desires and interests again…because I really do give a damn about this world we live in…I really do give a damn about governments and fairness and all those things I’d converse about…..
For now I will settle on those moments at work when the other two mom’s in my gang of co-workers share a story about their children and then I will share a Jacob story with them…and we’ll all laugh and smile and talk about how much we miss our kiddos….before we turn back to the work we do….equally as important as motherhood…and immerse ourselved in a little adult conversation before rushing home to laugh and learn homes, hugs, and great big smiles.
I am missing him…
But as I anticipated….I think I was also missing the other part of me too…..and I’m seeking now to find a good balance of Mommy Mel….and Working Melissa…..
It will come with time and effort….and a whole lot of days where there is nowhere I’d rather be then right at home playing firetrucks….saving the world one kitten in a tree at a time!!
Today Jacob discovered his reflection in the glass doors of our TV cabinet. It only took a moment before he realized that he could see everything about himself in the glass. He sat there talking and touching the door and telling it stories like he was catching up with an old friend over a vodka and tonic. I wondered if he knew it was his own reflection or if he thougth miraculously another child had entered our apartment to converse with him. I wondered if he realized this person in the glass wasn’t talking back to him….I asked him where is Jacob and he pointed to the glass so I interpreted this as him being pretty darn sure this kid in the door was himself….and then it became even more obvious as he started kissing himself in the door…and then I realized he loves himself so much…..maybe too much….LOL….
Hey…a kid needs to have good self esteem right?
Every couple of days or so Jacob and I go for a walk to the green grocer and purchase a banana or two. We walk back home and sit on the steps of our apartment and we share the banana. It’s been intereting to watch him change throughout this ritual over the past months. I remember the first time he had banana – we all thought he despised it but it turned out to be a texture that he just needed to get use to. Our ritual was short back then….I ate about 9/10ths of the banana and little by little he’d take more and I’d get less. I remember the first day he ate half and I ate the other half and we sat there sort of happy on our stoop just kind of taking in the world. I find it ironic that today the last weekday that we will engage in our ritual Jacob ate the entire banana….i’d like to believe that it was his way of saying “it’s ok mama I can eat the whole banana now…you can go back to work” but most likely he was just hungry. I have this weird ability to make everything he does have some sort of meaning to suit my own thoughts of the day….so today the banana means he doesn’t need me to sit with him and share it…..although I secretly hope that our ritual will return only on weekends. As we speak he has grabbed a second banana from the bottom basket of his stroller and is crawling over to me with it…maybe he wants to tell me there’s still a banana for mama…or maybe the poor kid is just starving…
In other news Jacob loves to help me fold the laundry. I fold it and he pulls it down from the table or couch and unfolds it…letting me know that I haven’t folded that one properly…or the next one or the next….hmphhh…..
I think whenever I hear or read a quote that makes sense to me I will share it with my blog readers just because I think it makes sense to me and perhaps it will resonate with you all.
Here is a quote I read just 15 minutes ago….
Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official, save exactly to the degree in which he himself stands by the country. It is patriotic to support him insofar as he efficiently serves the country. It is unpatriotic not to oppose him to the exact extent that by inefficiency or otherwise he fails in his duty to stand by the country. In either event, it is unpatriotic not to tell the truth, whether about the president or anyone else.
– Theodore Roosevelt, 26th President of the United States