This week was my first week back at work after 14 months off of work for maternity leave. It has been a process much like our very first week apart when Jacob was in the N.I.C.U. after he was born – filled with emotions that include worry, stress, exhaustion, happiness, sadness, and feelings of being overwhelmed. I missed him like crazy this past week, the same way I missed him when he was in his incubator at the hospital and I was not with him. I found myself wondering what he was doing and if he enjoyed lunch….I wondered if he missed sitting on our stoop and sharing a banana with his mama. I’d like to believe that he is missing me as much as I am missing him but that he is finding a better and more effective way to cope besides moping.
This week has been so different then the last oh say 54 weeks of my life. I find myself surrounded by adult conversation with adults who frankly could care less that just two weeks ago Jacob ate poop for the first time. I’m conversing about politics and econonmics and all those things that use to captivate me – and I find myself feeling suffocated in those conversations forcing myself to take breaths before the water of non child related conversation drowns me. I assure myself that at any moment I will snap out of it and all of a sudden I will care about what is going in this world outside of motherhood. The truth of the matter is……I doubt that I will ever snap out this motherhood syndrome so to speak…because it has become me and I hope that in time I will become afflicted with my old desires and interests again…because I really do give a damn about this world we live in…I really do give a damn about governments and fairness and all those things I’d converse about…..
For now I will settle on those moments at work when the other two mom’s in my gang of co-workers share a story about their children and then I will share a Jacob story with them…and we’ll all laugh and smile and talk about how much we miss our kiddos….before we turn back to the work we do….equally as important as motherhood…and immerse ourselved in a little adult conversation before rushing home to laugh and learn homes, hugs, and great big smiles.
I am missing him…
But as I anticipated….I think I was also missing the other part of me too…..and I’m seeking now to find a good balance of Mommy Mel….and Working Melissa…..
It will come with time and effort….and a whole lot of days where there is nowhere I’d rather be then right at home playing firetrucks….saving the world one kitten in a tree at a time!!