Super Secret Bloggy Post #11

9 weeks!  According to our last ultrasound we are 9 weeks pregnant today although I’m pretty certain it is more around 10 weeks but I guess we’ll have to see at our next ultrasound!  This week our baby is about the size of an olive!  Getting bigger every day now!

Mike and I continue to hope for the best for this baby and that by the time we go in for our 12 week ultrasound everything will be spot on and the tilted uterus will have corrected itself…I don’t even want to think about it not correcting because that is just not an option for us.  I just believe that on the 24th of July when we go in everythnig will be perfect.

We spilled the beans to our mom’s this weekend because we just thought it was time and they both are very excited!  Of course my mom is a worrier like me so I’m pretty sure she’ll worry the entire time I’m pregnant until the baby is born safely and I’m doing ok with my recovery. We still have a few random people to tell individually before we go completely public with the news – like our fathers and Lisa when she comes home from her Greece trip.  I’m really nervous right now though and for some reason I feel safer having this news be our news until we have that ultrasound on the 24th of July.

I have to admit that I am feeling rotton right now.  A few weeks ago you might recall that I was sick with sinus infection that I thought made its way out of my body without a trip to my lungs.  Well, I guess it just settled it’s miserable little self right in those lungs and sprung into active buisness three days ago.  I have had a nasty migraine coupled with congestion and a deep cough with phleghm.  Ick.  I guess it wouldnt’ be so bad if it wasn’t all on top of the bloody morning sickness I’ve had that leaves me feeling pretty depleted most days….so I’m sure you can imagine all of that piled on top of each other with the exhaustion and “poops” that have invaded my life!  Ahhh the joys of baking a baby!  I really hope that all of this drama means that I have a healthy growing little bean in there!  Mike is as always a trooper and hanging in there through all of this illness.  I’d really like to go out and see a movie with him some time soon just to spend time with him and let him know how grateful I am to have him in my life!  What hurts me the most is not really being able to play with Jacob and its making me feel pretty down.  I just have absolutely zero energy and the nausea has me tied down to the bed or couch at most points during the day.  Dear baby jesus please provide me some relief in the second trimester!  I cant’ imagine being one of those people who go their entire pregnancies feeling like this!  I’m still trying not to complain too much about it because like I’ve said before I know its just part of the pregnancy package but a little relief would be appreciated!  On Saturday at work I threw up all over the floor while attempting to make it to the bathroom and I’m incredibly disappointed that I didn’t make it; the kids at work were equally if not more disgusted then I was but they were of course genuinely concerned about my “flu” in June.  Darn teenagers are so smart these days!

Tomorrow is my birthday and I’m really excited to just relax and enjoy the day now that I don’t have to worry about keeping the pregnancy hidden from my mom.  To finish up this post I thought I’d share a funny picture i saw posted on Just Mommies….you’ll appreciate it or at least get a laugh out of it!

Graduation Day

Yesterday afternoon while I was relaxing on the couch browsing Just Mommies I heard a loud thump and then a scream come from Jacob’s room.  Jacob had been napping the 2 hours prior to that moment and in the past few weeks he had been successfully climbing out of his crib unharmed – I leaped up as fast as my plus sized body could leap from the couch and hurried to his bedroom; Jacob had indeed fallen from the rail of the crib.  I made the decision then and there that we were done with the crib and when Mike came home I had him remove the rail from his crib and off we went to babies r us to find a guard so that he wouldn’t fall off the bed at night.  We found a relatively good one for $19.99 and Mike set it up!  Jacob and I were off visiting my mom last night an didn’t get home to 10:15 pm and somehow I expected that he would just go to his bed and fall fast asleep without worry.  Ha!  I was fooling myself because Jacob kept coming out into the living room and proclaiming that it was time to “Play!” and we continually gave him the message that “It was time for sleeping” and put him back into his bed.  Eventually Mike had to lie down on the floor in Jacob’s room and the little fella was able to fall asleep!  Whew!  10:45 pm was the time on the clock!  It had taken us 30 minutes to get him to sleep in his toddler bed which was a lot shorter then I had anticipated when he started coming out.  Today I have to work so I’m not certain what Mike plans to do about nap time but I hope that it goes well and that there are not too many struggles!  I guess I’ll find out later!

Super Secret Bloggy Post #10

I went to the mail today with strong hopes that the t-shirt I had ordered for Jacob was going to be there but much to my dismay it was not.  It is getting harder and harder to hold this secret in because my pregnancy symptoms are crazy this go around.  I’ve avoided seeing my mom when I’ve really wanted to because my face is all broken out and she’s going to think I’ve gone mad on the chocolate or something!  Ha!  I have a few close people I am dying to tell but I have the plan so sorted out in my head that everything just has to go according to my brilliant idea!  The truth is that Mike and I are enjoying having our secret right now because we’re really just having a good time getting through early pregnancy without a kazillion people asking how I’m doing or blaming a bad day on pregnancy hormones.

The pregnancy continues to progress slowly on some days and then sometimes it seems to be going so fast.  On Monday I’ll be 9 weeks pregnant according to the ultrasound (almost 10 weeks according to what Mike and I know and believe) and that means I’ll be just 3 weeks shy of the second trimester and 1/3 of the way to meeting the new addition (and possibly final addition) to our family.  I have a strong feeling about what the baby is this time around which is different because with Jacob I didnt’ have a single clue – I just know that when the ultrasound lady said it’s 100% a boy…Mike and I both felt at peace with that, as if it was the perfect most pleasant happening in the world.  I’ve decided not to tell anyone what my intuition is telling me because I just don’t appreciate comments from other people that are uneccesary or inapropriate and I’m happy right now in my little pregnancy bubble.

Pardon the language but I’ve been feeling like shit lately with the horrible all day long morning sickness.  I have continued to try all the old tricks but honestly I can usually take in about 1/3 of my meal before I feel the urge to barf my guts out.  My sense of smell is incredibly heightened and completely random smells will cause me to dry heave instantly and once I start it’s impossible to stop for at least 30-45 minutes at a time.  I’m in good mood despite all of this because I continually remind myself that pregnancy symptoms hopefully equals good healthy growing baby.  I mostly feel bad for Jacob because we’ve done a lot less going outside to play and a lot more staying indoors on my days off because I’m too afraid to be away from the house and need to hurl!  No offence but I’d prefer not to be mistaken for some random intoxicated girl hurling over a street garbage can!  In my whole life, I’ve never been a puker!  On the rare occasions that I have puked it has been such an ordeal for me and I find myself hyperventilating with streams of tears running dowm my cheeks!  Alas, I have had to get use to these unfamiliar sensations during this pregnancy because it is just such a frequent symptom for me now!

I’ve been craving fish and chips the past couple of days so Mike is going to get some from our favorite 5th Street location on his way home from work!   I hope that my stomach can handle it because I’ve been thinking about it non-stop for the past 24 hours!  Mmm….I love fish and chips with tarter sauce and malt vinegar on the chips!  Jacob has never had fish and chips from 5th Street so I’m excited that he’ll get to taste it for the first time tonight!  Hooray!!  I think I would enjoy a nice ice cold diet coke with my fish and chips but I have sworn off the liquid heroin for the duration of my pregnancy and will not be indulging so water will have to suffice!  On that note, I’m really surprised that none of my close friends or family have taken notice of the lack of diet coke in my life…the ONLY time I’ve given it up was when I was pregnant with Jacob and I thought for sure it would be a dead give away!  Apparently not!  Ha!

Rain Rain Go Away!

For the past 2 weeks we’ve had what seems like Thunder Storms every 2-3 days primarily in the evenings but also during the day on some occasions.  A normal person might welcome the storms and perhaps even sit on their covered porch to watch them but as a migraine sufferer I have got to say the shifts in the pressure are starting to make me very irritable.  I know we need the rain to make things grow but honestly this is getting a bit much!  Next week marks the first day of July (and my birthday!) and while I don’t mind the cool weather I’d really like for the storms to hit the highway.  When it storms we are primarily stuck inside with Jacob all day long which  makes for a very long day!  I am wondering what the summer has in store for us and hoping that the temperatures will be manageable.  Last summer was a scorcher of a summer and this past winter was filled with a ton of snow and freezing temperatures so I’m hoping that Mother Nature is going to provide us some respite this time around!  I love the East Coast weather of the maritimes where the days are warm but not humid and the nights are cool and perfecting for walking.  I know, I know that’s a lot to ask for when you live in Toronto but I’d like to believe that despite our over population and pollution it is possible – anything is possible afterall right?

Super Secret Bloggy Post #9

Well according to our ultrasound I am 8 weeks pregnant today – although that is still up for debate because Mike and I believe we are actually closer to 9 weeks along.  I guess we’ll see how it all pans out in our next ultrasound because by then my uterus won’t be so retroverted and we’ll get the best measurement we’ve been able to get yet.

This week the baby is as big as a raspberry!  It still seems so small when you actually sit down and look at a raspberry!

I am feeling very pregnant….so very pregnant but I am not complaining or cursing it whatsoever after our huge scare last week I am welcoming every pregnancy related symptom with open arms and know that its all because my baby is safe and growing inside of me.  The morning sickness (or all day sickness in this case) is BAD….I don’t know how to make it better at this point so I just try to manage.  I remember with Jacob I only had small amounts of nausea and as long as I ate something I would feel better but this time around eating makes it worse.  This morning Mike had taken a “dunk” in the toilet and a few minutes after this I walked in to go to the bathroom myself and immediately my gag reflex went off and I went running to the kitchen sink to throw up but the smell of the sink only made me throw up more.  I hate the feeling of throwing up so much because it’s just such an unstable feeling and my eyes water like crazy and then afterwards I have the dry heaves – Nasty.  I keep telling myself that I only have 4 more weeks of morning sickness but then I’m not a stupid person and I know that it can last the entire pregnancy for some woman so all I can do is hope that I am not one of those women and that if I can withstand the next couple of weeks it will be all smooth sailing from then on.  I am getting a lot of acne during this pregnancy (I think I mentionned that before) and I had not experienced that with Jacob and truthfully what I really need right now is a pedicure and hair cut because I really think doing those two things for myself will make me feel really good about myself self.  I’m super duper tired and just cant’ seem to find enough hours in the day to sleep but I know that that is par for the course and the fact that I am a full time parent with a full time job only compounds the problem I’m certain.  As a side note….I’m pretty sure that Jacob just took a dunk in his diaper and I’m also pretty sure that I’m about to hurl as a result of the smell that is lingering in the living room right now.  I know that I cannot even attempt to change that diaper but Mike is in the shower so I am trying my best to not get too close to Jacob right now!  Sorry Kiddo but you’re a barfy trigger for Mama right now!

The hardest thing for me right now is the secret!  I am dying to tell some of the people that are closest to me in life – especially my mom!  I really wanted to tell her with the special t-shirt we ordered for Jacob but it hasn’t arrived yet and I’m pretty pissed off about that.  Apparently the shirt we ordered is in high demand after it appeared on an episode of Jon and Kate plus 8 which had we known this we would have ordered a different shirt because we wanted to tell a few people right out of the gate.  The t-shirt apparently shipped on the weekend so I’m hoping that its here by my birthday when I’ll be 9 weeks pregnant and of course I’ll be seeing my family for my birthday.  I’m pretty sure that I can’t spend too much time around my mother in my current state (horrible all day morning sickness) without her figuring out what’s going on.  I am relieved that I made it through the big scare last week without worrying any of our family.  The one thing that my mother and I have in common is WORRY – we both worry ourselves insane and it prevents us from doing things like sleeping.  I can’t wait to make the big announcement!  Hurry up shirt we’re waiting for you!!

Here’s our upcoming appointments:

July 15 – Prenatal Appointment

July 24 – 12 week Ultrasound Appointment

Boyless

Both of my boys are gone this weekend up to my parents cottage in Wasaga Beach.  My  mother needed Mike’s help moving something and I had to work so the compromise was that I would stay home and the boys would could go up and help out.  It turns out that I wasn’t feeling well and ended up calling in sick to work today and boy oh boy did I really need it.  Yesterday when I got home from work I slept from 330 until 730 pm and then I fell asleep around 11pm and woke up at 7 am – after being awake for just a few hours I ended up back in bed at 10 am and slept until 12 pm and I am finally starting to feel refreshed.  It’s so weird to be around the house without the men in my life and it definitely was weird (although somewhat nice to stretch out) to sleep in the bed without Mike last night.  I’m not sure what time they’ll be back today but I am currently contemplating cleaning the kitchen and making something nice for dinner.  When I spoke to Mike last night he said he had a hard time getting Jacob to go to sleep in the bed with him which I suspected since Jacob doesn’t really enjoy sleeping anywhere else except his crib – I suspect he’ll sleep well tonight when he’s back at home in his own familiar environment. I’ve been sitting here most of the weekend thinking about some of the stuff that we need to get rid of around here in preparation for a move to a 4 bedroom house soon.  I tried to make a plan of attack but truthfully it’s too overwhelming and I really dont’ want to take all the crap in this place with us to the new bigger place.  Anyways I’m rambling and boring the heck out of myself now so I’m sure you bloggy people are no less entertained – I’m off to dig around in the freezer for something to make tonight!

I got tagged! Fo shizzle….

About a week ago now I got tagged by my bloggy friend Manda! Thanks Manda (insert sarcasm here) and due to the chaos that is called my life it has taken me until now to even be able to sit down and think about  a blog post so here it is in all it’s glory – the taggy post curtesy of Manda..

The rules: Each player answers the questions about themselves. At the end of the post, the player then tags 5 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog. Let the person who tagged you know when you’ve posted your answer. *** except I’m not gonna tag anyone because everyone I know has done this one now!

What was I doing ten years ago?
10 years ago I was in college trying to get my degree so I could become a youth counsellor!  I was able to pull off straight A’s despite majorly procrastinating on almost all of my hard assignments and papers!

What are five (non-work) things on my to-do list for today:
1. Go to the doctors
2. Take Jacob to Mr. Sub because he’s been asking for his favorite turkey sub that he likes from there!
3. Get Jacob and Mike packed for their wasaga weekend.
4. Laundry
5. Sit on my arse and watch a little insanity tube…a.k.a television!  (after Jacob is in his usual night time coma of course!)

5 Snacks I enjoy:
*Watermelon and Strawberries!
*Doritos Zesty Cheese!
*Roasted Red Pepper Dip and Pita
*Rice Crackers and Cream Cheese!
*Orange or Green Jello!

Things I would do if I were a billionaire:

*have weight loss surgery and then surgery to remove extra skin, get my boobs smaller and lifted

*pay off homes for Mike and my parents

*purchase our dream home in the exact location that we prefer

*donate some money to charities that support children struggling with mental health difficulties

*make a totally rocking scrapbook room for me and a high tech computer lab room for Mike

*do some random acts of kindness for friends and family

Places I have lived:

Mississauga, Ontario
Toronto, Ontario

***yea pretty lame….ha ha

Jobs I have had:
Babysitter
Summer Camp Counsellor
McDonalds Crew, Crew Trainer, Shift Supervisor then Manager
Home Depot Cashier
Counsellor for pregnant and parenting young women
Counsellor in a home for youth with dual diagnosis (mental health and a developmental disability)

School Counsellor in a specialized class for kids with behavior struggles

Child and Youth Counselor in a residential setting for children experiencing emotional, behavioral, and psychiatric struggles.

Super Secret Bloggy Post #8

I haven’t written any posts about the pregnancy for the last little while with good reason I suppose. We’ve had a sort of roller coaster ride since our first ultrasound a week and a half ago and now that all the drama so to speak has died down I think I’m prepared to write about it. I guess last the bloggy world heard I was super excited about our first ultrasound where we’d be able to see our baby growing and thriving with a super cool heart beat but this was not (or so it seemed) in the cards for us.

We arrived at our ultrasound with the usual excitement and I was called in by a young technician who began the scan as normal doing an abdominal measure first and then the normal early pregnancy transvaginal scan which I had fully anticipated as this was the procedure when I was pregnant with Jacob. The technician proceeded very quietly taking measurements and as much as I tried to decipher the things that she was speaking into the microphone for the taped recording all I could make out were words like “to the right” “to the left” and “gestational sac”. When I think back on it right now the atmosphere in the room seemed very tense and after a few moments she stated she would be right back because she wanted the doctor to have a look. Of course I’m not able to just allow her to walk out of the room without an explanation so I inquired about what was going on and she reflected that she was having a difficult time seeing my ovaries. At that point I was perplexed because I thought to myself “how odd that she can’t find my ovaries with a trans vaginal ultrasound” but of course I thought nothing of it and waited for her to come back. A short while following her departure she returned proclaiming that she just needed to take a few more pictures and we’d be done. After a few clicks of her ultrasound machine she turned the screen and showed me an screen with a round black circle and stated this is your gestational sac and there is no baby in there. I was again perplexed and said “what do you mean no baby?” to which she replied that either I was much earlier then I suspected (which wasn’t all that possible) but what was more likely is that we were experiencing a blighted ovum because the sac was measuring 6 weeks and 1 day. I stared at the screen blinking my eyes in effort to both stop the tears from falling and to possibly imagine that it might all be a dream. The ultrasound didn’t go as I anticipated – there was no rejoicing and Mike wasn’t even brought in for the traditional introduction to your baby that all the father’s in the waiting room go through. I couldn’t help but feel robbed of my joy as I got off the table, got dressed and made my way out to find Mike in a sort of stunned canter. He immediately looked at me and I was staring at him and I know he could tell from my face that something was wrong but I didn’t cry…I just stared and said “Mike there was no baby”. On my way out the door the technician told me I should come back in a week to have another scan so obediently we booked one for the following Thursday (June 19th) and left the ultrasound lab – the two of us sort of down but still shocked.

I have never been one of those people that has had things go easily in my life. I have always had to work hard and a lot of times there are a lot of bumps in the road until I get to that happy place that I was or am looking for. I’m blessed to have a really great family and an awesome Man in Mike so much so that some days I wonder how I’d ever breath without them around for me. As we ventured home Mike reassured me that everything was going to be okay but his face was riddled with worry and concern and I knew that he was simply comforting me which is the usual way that Mike copes – by taking care of me. I remember sitting next to him on the bed and leaning my head on his shoulder and saying “I really just want this baby Mike” and he said “We’re going to have this baby Melissa” and despite how badly I wanted to believe him I just couldn’t but I just couldn’t cry and that was surprising to me. For the first time in my life I wanted it to be THAT easy…that we could conceive on the first try and carry a healthy baby through a full term pregnancy.

Our ultrasound that day was on a Tuesday and the repeat ultrasound was the following Thursday and I agnonized about how I could survive the week and 2 days that we would have to wait because I have a history of worrying without ceasing and this sometimes causes me to feel completely out of control with my life.  I decided to just focus on getting to my doctors appointment which was the following Tuesday because I half heartedly expected that I’d walk into the room with my doctor an she’d tell me everything was fine.  I did my best not to excessively scour the internet for information but I did try and do research on what a blighted ovum was and what I learned is that basically the baby has severe chromosomal problems and your body decides not to develop the baby but since your body believes you to be pregnant you still grow a gestational sac.  Somehow I stumbled upon a website called www.misdiagnosedmiscarriage.com and read story after story of people diagnosed with a blighted ovum who later went on to find the baby with a heartbeat….I stared blankly at the screen and secretly hoped that this would be me.  I wanted and craved to be one of those people but the one thing they all had in common was a tilted uterus and surely I did not have a tilted uterus – this was NOT a problem in my pregnancy with Jacob.

I made it through the first two days rather easily by keeping myself in a state of shock and perhaps denial but by Thursday the swell of emotions had built and at some randome point during the day I just started crying my eyes out which I’m sure was a variety of emotions including pregnancy hormones building up but after crying I felt better and I was able to get to a place of acceptance that we had no control in this situation and if we were going to lose the baby that there was absolutely nothing that Mike nor I could do.  The days crept by slowly and I continued to find hope in the misdiagnosed miscarriage website where people in similar siuations to ours were posting their positive outcomes. On Tuesday Mike and I were off to the doctor in hopes that she’d be able to shed some light on the situation but truthfully I think we both left feeling more sure that things were headed down the wrong path.  My doctor is the kindest most hard working physician that I know and she felt that if the sac was truly empty and we were truly as far along as we suspected then we were probably headed towards a miscarriage and that if we didn’t miscarry naturally she’d provide pills that would help the pregnancy “dissolve” – she completely agreed with Mike and I that this would be a last option and ordered two blood tests to be done 48 hours apart so that we could see if my pregnancy hormone was increasing or decreasing.  The doctor was very perplexed about why she had not received a copy of the ultrasound results and reflected that usually if there is a problem they fax over the results right away so the doctors can tell their patients; she stated that she’d call the ultrasound lab and call me later in the evening so she could let me know what was written in the report. When I was at work that evening the doctor called and left a message on my home phone stating that the ultrasound stated that there was no visible yolk sac, fetal pole, or heartbeat and that there were “visibility” issues which didn’t make sense since I had a transvaginal ultrasound and you don’t get any closer to the baby then looking through the crotch if ya ask me.  I put the results of the ultrasound in the back of my head and secretly desired for the “lack of baby” to be a big mistake.

On Thursday morning Mike and I met up (he took a half day off of work) and we made our way to the blood lab so I could do my second beta HCG draw (pregnancy hormone for all you non pregnancy smart people) and then we were off to our ultrasound.  We sat in the waiting room for our name to be called and the 15 minute wait felt like 20 hours to me but finally my name was called.  The technician introduced herself to me as Lyndsay and I followed her back into an ultrasound room feeling incredibly anxiously and I swear my heart was aching to rip right out of my chest – I was certain I didn’t have the ability to cope with bad news and the partners are not allowed in until all the measurements and such are completed. As I stepped into the room where the machine is I couldnt’ help but feel so overwhelmed that every ounce of emotion in  me spilled out and I started crying and told the lady that I was very scared and that we were told we were possibly losing our baby – she reassured me that I would not leave the office today without some form of answer and I thanked her for that because unlike the technician from the previous ultrasound this girl seemed genuine and I believed her. The technician worked a bit doing both transabdominal and transvaginal ultrasounds and I just kept hearing her say the same words that I had heard in my previous ultrasound “gestational sac” and for a few minutes I held my breath until she said “Well Melissa you have a very tilted uterus and I’m going to go and get a senior technician to help me find your baby”.  Breath Melissa – Did she just say what I think she said?  Tilted uterus?  This is exactly what I had read about on misdiagnosed miscarriages and I decided at that moment that I had hope that my baby was there alive and well.  The senior tech came in and we tried some positional things and the two women worked very hard until at one point they said “Don’t move Melissa, don’t breathe, stay very still” and I swore time stopped for an instant as I wondered what they were seeing.  After what seemed like an hour but was clearly a few minutes the first technician left and the senior technician stated the doctor was just going to look at the ultrasound so I had to be very still and then they’d show me what was on the screen.  The tech came back and stated “The doctor is happy” and they turned the screen and showed me my baby with a fetal pole, a yolk sac and a BEATING HEART!!!  I started crying with tears of happiness and thanked both of them for their hard work – they reassured me that the tilted uterus would correct itself between 10-12 weeks and were about to stop the ultrasound when the younger technician yelled “Wait MIKE!”  and she ran out to get Mike and brought him where I loudly proclaimed Mike the baby is OK!!!  Mike smiled and looked at the screen and we were both extremely happy.  I thanked the ultrasound technicians about 1000 more times and made my next ultrasound appointment for 5 weeks later when we’d be 12 weeks and could check on how that uterus was doing.

The moral of this story is to trust your instincts.  I just did not believe that my pregnancy was over because my symptoms were strong and remember that you should always get a second opinion.  It is not right for a technician, doctor, anyone to give you a diagnosis of a blighted ovum before 8-10 weeks and the first ultrasound techncian should have told us about the tilted uterus instead of marking it down as visualization problems.  We are not out of the miscarriage woods yet because anything could happen at any point but we are happy and content for now that our baby is growing and has a heartbeat.  We have learned that when you are pregnant you dont’ have any control over what is going to happen to the baby but you do have control over the kind of care that you recieve and the respect and good medical care that you deserve.  If you are reading this and you are experiencing a blighted ovum, get a second or third opinion before you accept that it is over.  Keep your chin up and know that your baby too, like mike might be alive and well.

Happy Birthday Little Man!

Two years ago today I gave birth to the most wonderful little fella in the world.  We are blessed to be his parents and he has enriched our lives during the two years that we’ve been his parents!  Jacob Daniel was born at 7:03 pm on this day in 2006!  Happy Birthday Little Man!  Keep on doing what you do every day…bringing joy and love into the lives of everyone who knows you!