So I got to thinking….
Dangerous pass time I know but still I got to thinking about my c-section with Jacob this morning. Some of you may know and others may not but I was giving a medication to induce amnesia following a nightmare c-section so my thoughts about Jacob’s birth have always been kind of wishy washy. The truth is the medication was rather a stupid idea on the parts of the doctor’s who provided my medical care – I suspect their hope was to have the medication help me to forget the pain I experienced during a c-section where I felt every last cut, pull, stitch but instead the medication made me forget the aspects pertaining to my son’s birth. I don’t have that memory where they pulled him from my stomach and held him up proclaiming him to be a boy, nor do I have a memory of them telling me how much he weighs…every memory of those moments are gone – indeed my experience was unique I’m sure but still now that I am pregnant again the old fears of those momennts and their absence from my life comes back to haunt me and discourage me.
So I guess that’s why I got to thinking about the c-section experience and more specifically about the recovery – the odds (apparently) were stacked against me from the get go. I was made well aware that overweight women have a hard time recovering from C-sections because they are “less likely to get out of bed and get moving after a c-section” and after hearing this three, four, five times leading up to Jacob’s c-section I was determined to prove everyone wrong – that just because you are overweight it does not mean you are lazy and won’t get out of bed… I guess the thing about me that those doctors didn’t know was that I do not like to be told that I am incapable of doing something. Jacob was born at 7:03 pm and by 7:30 am the following day I was begging Mike to help me out of bed so that I could get moving around and boy oh boy did I…I walked up an down the halls of the post-partum ward, out to the elevator and down to the NICU and back up again, I walked and I walked and I walked until I probably couldn’t walk anymore but I was determined that nobody was going to tell me that I couldn’t do something – the doctors were in disbelief because every time they came to see me I was out of bed either walking or sitting up in a chair. I was very very proud of myself and as a result of my determination I had a remarkable recovery from the c-section. I never had a single problem with my c-section scar because Mike helped me take really good care of it…Mike and I are a really good post-operative team!
I truthfully don’t know what will happen at the end of this pregnancy but I know that I am taking it one day at a time and not deciding now whether it will be an attempt (and hopefully successful) VBAC or a booked c-section. I am committed to thinking, researching and investigating what is best for baby and me in the long run and I have a great team of doctors to help me along the way I think. My doctor is pro-VBAC and pro me trying to have a doula in the room to advocate for me, to help make sure that my voice is heard this time around and we are talking about this idea, thinking hard about what’s most important to us about this pregnancy but truthfully we just live in the moment and right now we’d really just like to hear the official “congratulations you’re pregnant” from the doctor – and then we’d really just like to see our little bambino at our ultrasound on June 10th…..
Symptoms still come and go, bad nausea, acne, exhaustion and just yesterday my right boob really starting to hurt – but only the right! It’s been really hard to feel any of these pregnancy symptoms because I’m so sick with a sinus infection and sore throat so I’ll have a better idea of what’s happening with my body in a few days when the non-pregnancy related sickness passes. I don’t tend to complain about pregnancy symptoms – I welcome them with a gracious outlook because I know its all part of the process to bake a beautiful healthy baby!