Beyond Tired

Yes, i am totally awake and blogging at 5 am because what else do you do at 5am when you can’t sleep and nobody else in your house is awake? I don’t understand why sleep continues to be so difficult for me because I truly do feel exhausted but when I lay down to go to sleep it just does not come. I have been wide awake since 330 am this morning and before that I only drifted in and out of sleep and I’m sure I never once made it to REM sleep which is where you know your body is truly getting rest. I’ve got to admit there is something peaceful about being the only one in the house awake and as I sit here with my glass of water and laptop I kind of hope that everyone else will decide to sleep until at least 730 am.

Last night I was camped out on the couch yet again with a bad headache and swollen ankles which I assumed was another bout of high blood pressure so I am relieved to share that when I woke up this morning neither of those symptoms were present. I am quite happy that the swollen ankles went away because I thought that once you had them in pregnancy there was no going back until after the delivery! Today I plan to really take it easy because I need to go out tonight to get a few errands done and I haven’t been out since my doctor’s appointment. I think last night I was really worried I would need to make a trip to labor and delivery because of the swelling, headache and contractions I was having but alas it was not needed and to be safe we had Mike’s mom on stand by in case we needed to head out in the middle of the night.

I have had a ton of help in the past couple of days since I’ve been trying to rest and keep my blood pressure down. Mike’s mom has been coming and helping out a bit around the house with Jacob and spending some time playing with him which I am very grateful for but also sad because I wish I could be spending some time with him but its just too hard these days to chase him up an down those darn stairs…it’s okay though because I’m still able to squeeze in my snuggles and hugs whenever I can. Yesterday Lisa came to visit me which was totally awesome and despite the fact that we were going to watch a movie it was far more thrilling that we just spent the time chatting and enjoying lunch. I really enjoyed her company and trust me if i continue to rest for the duration of this pregnancy I really hope she’ll come again because I am seriously losing my mind without sunlight in my life!

I’ve been thinking this morning about how I made it through pregnancy by setting small goals along the way to help me feel like it was going by faster then it really was. I remember back in the early pregnancy weeks how I just waited and waited for the first ultrasound, then the second, then I hoped and prayed we’d make it to the second trimester and that I’d find some relief from the nasty morning sickness….relief did eventually come but I was well into the second trimester when it did. Once we coasted into the second trimester I looked forward to our anatomical ultrasound where we debated finding out the gender of the baby but ultimately did not! Once we passed the 20 week mark we patiently waited to hit the viability mark, snuck in a gender ultrasound at 26 weeks because we could not take it anymore and then eventually surpassed the 28 week mark where 90% off babies born have a chance of healthy survival. I remember the relief that came when we hit 30 weeks, and then 33 weeks and then we waited for 35 weeks and our first biophysical ultrasound. I would be dishonest to say that I was not nervous about this ultrasound, after all this is the point in pregnancy where everything turned upside down with Jacob. 35 weeks came and went with a perfect score on our ultrasound and in a sort of dragging manner 35 weeks quickly became 36 weeks and our second biophysical ultrasound which we also passed. I have to admit that I feel like I am in a state of limbo now, knowing that at any point the doctor could pull the trigger and say we need to deliver the baby but I keep hoping and praying for another week, another chance to say my body did it…..we survived pregnancy with no unnecessary or emergency interventions…even though I’m likely not getting my VBAC, I want the satisfaction of saying I did it! I did my job and I baked this baby all on my own until it was 100% time for her to come out big and healthy. So that’s why I’m here, sitting on my couch with my feet up trying to relax and do my part to keep her in there for another 11 days….I think we can make it!

If only I could just get a decent nights sleep.

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