Fat Friday

So there’s chocolate in my house and I can’t stand the thought of it hiding in cupboards and on top of the fridge like some form of ancient torture device. I never was a chocolate girl (my snack of choice was always something salty like potato chips) but when I was pregnant with Violet the idea of anything sweet was just to delicious. During my pregnancy with her I craved a lot of fruits but I also indulged in more chocolate then I probably should have and so now I’m finding myself having all sorts of internal conversations about how bad it would be to just have one piece, just one tiny little Easter egg can’t hurt right? The thing is, I know it can hurt, it’s sort of like a recovered alcoholic that has just one taste of alcohol thinking that they could never go back to how bad it use to be…but I’m pretty smart, and I know that food (especially chocolate) tastes pretty darn good and that if I indulge in one piece it’s going to lead to another, and perhaps another, and then it’s all downhill from there – so I did my best to refrain today.

My battle with weight has been an almost lifelong struggle, or perhaps it just feels like it’s been a lifelong battle because its been so hard. It makes me sick to my stomach to hear someone speak of an overweight person as someone who is simply “lazy” or when they say “she’d simply lose the weight if she tried”. I imagine if you’ve never lived a day in your life as an overweight woman you might never understand what it feels like to hear those comments, because while I can’t speak for others, I can honestly say that as a plus sized woman I don’t ever recall a day in my life when I woke up and said – today I think I’d like to be “that fat girl” or “today I don’t care if I can’t shop in the normal size sections of stores”. Come on people?! I know that a lot of people are not educated but I would think this one was easy enough to understand – I never wanted this for myself just so you know.

I can’t remember the exact moment that weight struggles came into my life but I do remember that it was at a time in my life when I felt out of control, confused, and perhaps lonely – during that time weight struggles crept up on me like a cat creeps along the grass before pouncing hard core onto that mouse it was to capture…it hit me and entangled its wretched fingers around my neck before my eyes were open wide enough to see it there – and before I knew it, I was captive. I’m a different person now then I was back when I was 15, 16, 18, 20 years old, because I’m wiser and more experienced now and I can see that life is much more then the tragedies or struggles of the past but I’m still stuck – frozen in those bad food habits that captured me so long ago – I’m fighting to break free, and its hard – I want you to know its really hard, but I try…not because of the worlds ideals, or because of my children even…..I try, and I fight because life, MY LIFE, is important to me.

i met Michael at a time in my life when I felt the best, my career was going great, I had come to peace with parts of my life that previously were too hard to accept, my friends were fabulous, I was traveling, and I had lost 50 pounds….the most weight I had every successfully been able to lose. Now, the years have passed and 2 years later I have a lot of those pounds if not all of them back…I watch those shows on television about people in hospitals or trapped in their homes because of their weight and I feel frightened, my heart races, and I weep for them because I understand perhaps a little what they might be feeling – they did not chose that hospital bed and I’m quite certain they didn’t say “one day I want to be 1000 pounds”. I weep for them because I understand in some way their pain, and I weep for them because I can not imagine what it might feel like to know that you are most likely going to die, at any point, of any given day, because your body can not handle the weight it is inflicted with. When I watch those shows, I can imagine the perfect diet, the weight falling off my body, the changes I’m going to make because of these people….but the next day it is the same struggles I have face since that day weight struggles first pounced on me like a cat to its prey.

I’m glad you my stalkers readers are here on my team, uplifting me, helping me to keep that chin up as this slow process unfolds.  It’s a painful process for anyone to endure I think, to examine yourself in a way you’ve never examined before, admit you have a problem, and then turn around and do your best to try and kick it out of your life like you toss your trash to the curb.  For this week I’m encouraing you to think differently when you see an overweight person this week – instead of turning to a friend and saying “oh my god that person is disgusting” try imagining what that person might feel when they wake up in the morning knowing that when they go out somewhere, someone is going to stare at them or call them a name, and then imagine how impossible it would be to ever have the courage to make frightening difficult changes in your lifestyle – when people dont’ care anyways.

I’m sure my friends and family would advocate for me – I’m more then just a person with a weight struggle.  I’m a great loyal friend, daughter, wife, and an awesome mother.  Take this journey with me to look at yourself in a different way, even if you don’t have a single pound to lose – I’m guaranteed there something in your life that can be discovered, improved, unravelled….whatever you want to call it and whatever is it – we can do it together….we are all more then the problems that exist in our lives, so much more.

Join me in reminding the world about that…

One hard earned pound off at a time.

Just so the logistics are still here….this weeks goal is to drink more water.

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