Jacob is sick.
I have always hated when things in my life felt out of control and I never realized before I had children just how often I was going to feel that way. When my children get sick, it’s like something inside of me feels so broken for them and I feel this instinctual urge to make it all better as fast as possible. Earlier in the week Jacob started spiking these totally weird and out of the blue fevers that would come hang out with us for a while and then they’d saunter on their merrily way after a few hours…by Wednesday night the fever was bad enough that it needed an intervention in the form of tylenol to help it hit the road. That Daddy Guy and I noticed on Thursday that Jacob seemed out of sorts, he was drowsy and lethargic, and his eyes had deep gray-pink circles around them but when questioned Jacob always responded that he was feeling ok. I guess the part of taking care of a sick child that is the most worrisome or disheartening is their inability to properly explain to you what is going on for them.
On Friday evening Jacob had a lot of congestion, was sneezing, and the fevers continued so we trying to be pro-active we started him on his Flovent Inhaler (steroids for the lungs) so that we didn’t end up in the emergency room this weekend. When Jacob gets a cold or virus, Mike and I get very worried, there is no other way to explain it aside from undeniable fear and worry because he has a very reactive form of asthma. As an infant, Jacob was taken to the emergency room several times with what they called “reactive airways”….basically the call it this and after so many episodes of reactive airways you can pretty much assume that your child has asthma. Over a month ago now we finally ended up with an asthma diagnosis, the reactive type – meaning that Jacob’s asthma is only triggered by illness…the last time we took him into the emergency room his skin was retracting and his oxygen saturation was at 88% – it was in one word….frightening. So far, it seems that our intuition to start the meds before the breathing struggles appeared seems to have done a world a good and while the mild symptoms are lingering – we have avoided the emergency room.
I think the emotion of worry is one that will just always go hand in hand with being a mother because I can recall that from the moment Jacob was conceived the feelings of anxiety for his physical, emotional, and overall well being were always present. I remember my mother telling me that you will always worry and wonder about your children for as long as you live….I have a distinct memory of seeing my mother’s face during my never ending labor with Jacob – and it was in those days and nights that I could see that even though I was 28 years old, she still had concern and worry for me….no mother likes to witness their child in pain, and no mother likes to see their child sick…it’s just how it is, there is no other explanation except true love. From time to time over the past few days I’ve fond Jacob with tears in his eyes, it’s obvious that he doesn’t feel too well, but he doesn’t complain and in those moments when I see him so obviously unwell, my heart hurts – I can’t stand it.
I cant’ stand it one bit.
But, as a mom…it’s my job to keep going, help him feel better, and hold his hand in comfort when it’s taking a little bit longer to get better….
And because worry is a what I consider a big person emotion, something that children really shouldn’t have to deal with….I look at him with a smile of reassurance on my face, letting him know that everything is going to be better soon, and keeping the worry to myself for now…
When he’s older, he’ll have his own worries, but for now – he can just be his little near 3 year old self and save the worry for his Mama.
Feel better kiddo.