….and I’m not waving the white flag of surrender yet!
I have to say that I am *gasp* actually enjoying this new Jenny Craig diet that I’m on! I feel totally supported by my family and friends and I just have an all around good feeling and incredible motivation about it. The first few days have had their challenges , ones that in the past might have really sent me over the edge of indulgence but I surprised even myself be resisting the tempation to turn to my old friend food. This weekend we were at the baptism party of my beloved niece Gabriella and the food was taking some time to come out and because of my strict schedule of trying to eat on a sort of planned out schedule……I was starving. I was feeling particularly anxious about how hard it might be to resist some of the delicious treats that would be served as the meal unfolded but I’m proud to say that I had a nice big salad, some chicken, roasted peppers and parsnips, and 3 very small potato disks – for dessert I chose the fresh fruit cup over the creme brulee and raspberry cheesecake and when the baptism cake was passed around I took a deep breath in and declined the offer.
A lot of people would say that I should have indulged in just a small piece of cake but I couldn’t bring myself to do it because I’m viewing this weight loss thing like a battle against an addiction. I’ve finally decided to remember that I need food to live vs living for food and in order to start battling an addiction I first have to learn to say no when confronted with my drug of choice…..food. That night, when the party was finally over and I with my feet so sore from new shoes climbed into the car…I breathed this massive sigh of relief, set my head back on the head rest, closed my eyes, and took a deep breath in before proclaiming – “I did it”. I’m not sure if Mike could tell how proud of myself I was but I felt the positive kind of pride coursing through my body – it was a victory for me and a loss for food addiction and wow it felt fantastic.
At lot of people have asked me why now? What made you make this decision now? I can honestly say that I feel a peace in my heart for the first time in my life that this is the right thing for me. I’ve started and stopped and restarted weight watchers more times than I can imagine but truth be told it was not the right program for me because it gave you too much control and because I view myself as having a food addiction, I needed to have some of that control taken away from me. When I sat in that hospital room alone, having been rushed in by the nurse at triage who sent mike off to register me, I suddenly realized how fast everything could be taken away from me in the blink of an eye….I suddenly remembered that I really love life and I love being a part of it and this addiction was slowly but surely – killing me. You might think that sounds a bit dramatic but I assure you it is nothing but the truth…we are all dying from the day we are born but because of my addiction to food I was pushing myself towards that ending in a far too fast motion – I have so many things to do, so so many wonderful things to do and because of these things in life that I want to do and experience I have to do this now, in this very moment.
I have done a lot of thinking lately about the world’s view on obese people and I realize that people are cruel and mean because of fear, because they fear that could happen to them and the truth of the matter is it could happen to anyone. I never expected many things to happen in my life that did and I certainly didn’t sit back and plot out how I was going to make myself obese – I didn’t schedule in potato chips for 4pm and a hot dog for 5pm – it just evolved and happened as life happened….In my week leading up to joining Jenny Craig I found myself becoming concious to a lot of things that I had just sort of started to ignore over time but the truth is people really do look at you when you’re out and about like some sort of freak show and you are definitely judged by what you look like. I have to believe that I have so much more to give to the world than some freak show for their amusement or disgust and I’m tired of people making assumptions about my personality simply because of my exterior physique……it’s been a long long time since anybody aside from Mike h as sat next to me on a subway train or bus and I know he’d probably be more comfortable sitting in a different seat but he does it because he loves me and doesn’t want to make me feel bad and no matter what he would never tell me that he needed more room on the seat – I appreciate his sensitive nature so much and I love him for being that person who knows I’m more than just some freak show and that he can sit up close with me because I’m not dirty and smelly like the assumption that is drawn by most people about obese people.
So, yes I’m still here…..every day is a challenge but I’m doing it one meal at a time and I’m doing it for me, and then hopefully by doing it for me I can be a better mother and wife to the most important people in the world to me.