April, 2009:

I’ve often found myself in the middle of conversations with other new mom’s wishing that everyone would stop beating around the bush and get to the nitty gritty bits of motherhood. I use to belong to a baby club (the same one I went to when Jacob was little) and frankly I stopped going because I felt like everyone there was playing pretend – or maybe the real truth might be that I was just experiencing motherhood quite differently. The hour long program consisted primarily of songs and mother type chatter except that the chatter always sounded like this…

“I love being a mom”

“I’m just so happy to have her here”

“Motherhood is such an awesome thing”

“Everything is just so wonderful”

Really? Crap. I seriously must be malfunctioned because what I want to talk about is what you do to keep going when you’re so sleep deprived or when the last time was that you had a really good shower. I want to cut to the chase, loose the “perfect mother” ideals and be real for once. I get it…you love being a mother, I do too, but love is not the only emotion I am feeling right now. I want to talk about how overwhelming kids can be, how exhausting and trying it can be and most importantly I want us all to agree that being a mother is awesome but it’s also difficult…sometimes it’s even REALLY difficult.

This week, I’ve finally been able to feel “real” again and I’ll admit that it feels freaking fantastic not to be walking around in a zombie like state while reeking of spoiled milk – and when I say freaking fantastic, I mean REALLY FREAKING FANTASTIC. It’s only taken three months of adjustment to soak in the mommy to two children lifestyle but I’m finally feeling like it’s safe to get out of the house to do things with them and that I’m actually finding the time to squeeze in the odd shower or trip to the washroom to relieve myself. Despite this refreshed feeling I’m still totally frustrated that the group of women at my baby club just can’t be themselves and give the hard work it takes to be a mom some serious acknowledgment….please? Pretty please?

The last time I was at baby club, Violet was 8 weeks old and I vowed that I would never go back because I was just too annoyed by the fraudulent nature of it all….but I’m stubborn as a mule most days so I’m thinking about going back to set an example and let them see that it’s ok to “be real”, that mothering is not just about love and snuggles, nor is it about coach diaper bags or thousand dollar bugaboo strollers – I’m hoping that they can see that being fake about it all is toxic to their emotional well being…..trust me, I’d know because I experienced it all with Jacob and it drained me emotionally. I know its hard to let go, but it only took one person to help me get real about it way back in 2006 so maybe I can be a life preserver for someone else – if I can work up the courage to go back and face it all again.

We’ll see.

I definitely don’t consider myself a “know-it-all” when it comes to having children with reflux but I definitely feel like an expert when it comes to dealing with MY children and their struggles with reflux, also known as G.E.R.D or Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease (say that three times fast…heh). I remember the whole ordeal leading up to getting a diagnosis for Jacob at the Toronto Sick Children’s hospital back in 2006….He had been spitting up small to medium amounts hours after a feeding and was refluxing milk from his nostrils – he arched his back during feedings and grunted and groaned while he slept at night flat on his back; I remember feeling like I had absolutely no idea what was going on for him but recall that he was quite obviously in some sort of discomfort.

I was totally bummed when I started noticing all the symptoms of reflux in Violet because I just did not want to go down that road with another child. I tried everything possible in the beginning to find other causes of her discomfort but one day after I had strapped her into her car seat and went into the kitchen to get a sippy cup for Jacob, I heard something that made me realize it was time to get Violet diagnosed. I remember that I had just stepped into the kitchen for a moment when I heard a very odd gurgling sound coming from Violet’s car seat followed by a sharp whistling inhale – I raced to the hall and found a massive amount of throw up coming out of Violets mouth and nose and saw my daughter sort of sputtering for breath…the next day we were assessed and within a week on the same medication her brother had taken, all of Violet’s symptoms were gone and she was a more peaceful content newborn. Alleluia.

There are a lot of ways that we had to adjust with both of our children but the easiest things we’ve done to help them cope with reflux was to raise the head of their beds where the sleep so that they are positioned on a sort of angle and we also try to keep Violet upright after she is done feeding…Thankfully Jacob outgrew his reflux struggle around 9 months old and I’m hoping that Violet quickly has her reflux resolve too…

Until then, I’m forced to endure occasional romps with baby throw up…

And on days like yesterday, I’m convinced my daughter has a career in basketball because despite her medication, she really got me good…..

Right in the cleavage.

heh.

I don’t really have many friends that have children because for the most part I was the one that popped the first one out and a lot of our friends our still on the fence about when, if ever, they will have children. Thankfully, over my closest friend and her husband added a child to their family in July of 2007 and Lisa is currently pregnant with her second child and due in September of this year. The consequence of us being pregnant, then home with a newborn in back to back years was that we haven’t gotten a lot of opportunity to see each other – it also doesn’t help that we live about a half hour drive away from them..perhaps the rule truth might be that maybe we haven’t tried hard enough over the years…but we’re trying to change that now.

I never realized the importance of having other mommy friends until this past weekend when we were invited by our friends to dinner on Saturday. It’s generally hard for us to visit other people’s homes because we feel like we spend the majority of the our visit trying to keep Jacob away from their precious breakables or from a muck around their not so very baby/toddler proofed homes. The conversation when we visit the homes for friends or family without children tends to go something like this:

“So how are you guys doing? Jacob put that down!”

“How was your vacation? Did you enjoy the nice weather? Jacob get away from there please!”

“Oh that’s wonderful, what did you think of Grey’s Anatomy last week? Jacob leave that cat alone!”

“Sorry what did you say? No Jacob you can’t eat that fruit, it’s glass.”

As you can imagine it was very nice to take our kids to a home that was already baby proofed and where we didn’t feel like we needed to police him 100% of the time. When the night was over and both the kids were buckled in the back seat Mike and I both looked at each other, breathed a huge sigh of relief (or maybe relaxation) and remarked at the same time that we both had a really nice time and that we needed to do it more often. I’m not sure what exactly it was that made it so great but I think if I had to guess I’d say it was the combination of time spent with good friends and the overall feeling that we could just be who we are, let our son play without worry and our 3 month old cry if that’s what she felt she needed to do. I admit that I sometime feel judged by people without children and get frustrated by the ones that think children shouldn’t “make noise”….and let me tell you with a 3 year old, 2 year old, and a 3 month old in the house that night… it was noisy, chaotic and for me….the fact that nobody else cared because they “get it” was the icing on the cake.

Yes a good time was had by all I think – after dinner Lisa and I sat at the table chatting, Mike and Jim chattered about mostly geeky topics of no interest to Lisa or I, and the children just played….I ache to have more of these days and I hope that after experiencing it we are able to make it happen more often. I truly didn’t realize what I was missing out on until I finally indulged….having other mom’s to hang out with is an essential thing for me I think…it’s too bad that the baby club near us totally sucks but I’ll elaborate on that later this week….

For now, I can only hope that our dear friends enjoyed the time also and that because of it, more evenings of a similar nature are in our near future.

As I write this, I’m laying in the floor of our bedroom closet, curled up into the fetal position, whimpering and muttering while I try to keep away from the massive amounts of chocolate that entered our home this weekend. The truth is, I’m not really doing any of those things but it would sure feel a lot better then this stare down I’m currently having with a cadbury cream egg. Looking around our house right now, I can’t help but feel that the Easter Bunny stopped by our house and took a giant dump, leaving behind all sorts of evil chocolaty goodness. I’d like to say thank-you to all you other givers of chocolate for making my life torturous….my waist line (if that’s what it can be called) is screaming NO! NO! NO!

Our Easter weekend was a fabulous array of family awww moments and a little bit of organized chaos but the overall verdict is that a great time was had by all. On Friday we spent some time at a neighborhood Easter Party for Children where my son was spoiled by little old ladies insisting that we needed to let him eat every sugar filled thing in sight because, as they put it, “he’s just a growing boy”…I drew the line when I heard the one woman ask Jacob if he wanted “orange pop or coke”. Jacob as having and absolutely fabulous time playing with all the other children which is awesome for him because we just don’t have many other children in our family. At the end of the party Jacob was given a present which was a toy plastic gun that we purposely accidentally lost on our way home – please please please dont’ lecture me about how little boys always played cops and robbers…we dont’ allow them because the schools dont’ allow them and I’m just not setting my children up for expulsion!

Saturday was an incredibly busy day filled with the joys of parenting such as swimming lessons, grocery shopping, and last minute Easter errands before we were off to dinner at the homes of our dear friends – it was a late night for us but it seemed a good time was had by all – at least that was my impression! When we finally got home and lugged our children upstairs to their beds we had to sit around and hide Easter eggs make sure the Easter Bunny was able to get inside the house safely and it wasn’t until we were 100% certain that He had come and gone, that we finally settled ourselves into our bed for some much needed rest.

You know it’s going to be a good day when your toddlers face is plastered with chocolate before 9an but you shrug it off and tell yourself that you’ll make him extra broccoli this week. Honestly, this morning was the best time EVER because Jacob was just so into the Easter Bunny this year and just loved everything about the day. Somehow, I managed to get both children in their Easter best, chisled the chocolate off of Jacob’s face, and we ended up at Church on time….I’m still sort of in shock about that but we did in fact make it. YAY US! (I’m all about the praise in my parenting so why not a little praise for me too right?) During Church we were faced again with a rowdy toddler who decided communion was a good time to shout out “I WANT TO PLAY, I WANT TO PLAY”….rock on little man, rock on.

We hurried home, prepared a big hoopla of a dinner and then my family came over for a little Easter dinner followed by a small birthday celebration for Uncle Jimmy….now that its over I suddenly have zero energy. I’m super glad to have had such an awesome time this weekend with family and friends because we really needed it after all the stress we’ve felt with general anesthesia, crappy april weather, poop on the carpeted stairs, etc. etc. The holidays, no matter which one, are always just awesome times to reconnect and get together with the ones we love and indulge in some good shame free food.

Now, pardon me…..

There’s a Cabury Cream Egg calling my name and i only have 10 minutes left before its officially not the holiday anymore.

I was trying to squeeze in a shower before That Daddy Guy left this morning because I’m pretty sure that I was smelling of sour milk and spit up. These days I’m lucky if I can get a shower in every two days so I was quite relieved to turn on some hot water and simply let it beat down on my back for a few moments – quiet alone time moments. I was just about to take a deep breath in and get totally into my relaxation mode when I heard a rustling of the shower curtain followed by the following:

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DADDYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!”

What followed afterward might very well be a scene taken directly from a “Mommy Horror” movie as I pulled back the shower curtain to find That Daddy Guy holding up a very naked nearly 3 year old covered in POOP. Mike hesitated to make eye contact with me as the dreaded words “can he come in the shower with you” spilled from his lips…and I think its because he knew that if he locked eyes with mine, he’d see the desperation, the “please no”, the “I just need five minutes look”. It only took a second before Jacob was thrust into the shower with me and I was leaning over him cleaning the crap from his butt, legs and feet as he loudly protested. I wanted to say “listen kid, it might be cool with you to hang out covered in poop all day but I’ve got to smell you and while it might seem cool now…when you get to school next year it’s not going to be so fashionable anymore” but instead I just reassured him that the shower (which he hates) would be over soon and he could get on to more fascinating things like Wonder Pets and Train tables…all the while reminding him that Mommy would really love if he’d learn to poop on the potty – pretty please?!

When I was completely confident that all the crap had been hosed off, I hollered for Mike and stuck my outstretched arms out of the shower with a sopping wet toddler hanging from them. After Mike came to collect him, I took that deep breath and attempted to relax again but realized that it now required too much effort – my mommy day had begun and my Melissa time was gone so I quickly finished showering, climbed out of the tub, threw on some clothes and started going down the stairs….

Only to find out that the brilliant idea about teaching your son to go down the carpeted stairs on his bum for safety purposes…..

Really backfires when he has crap leaking out of both sides of his pull up.

It’s going to be a really good day, I can feel it.

I’ve always hoped that if my children got anything from me, it would be my passion around standing up for the things that are dear and important to you.  Since I firmly believe in leading by example our family spent the evening doing our part to save the park across the street from our house.  At 5:30 pm we bundled up and went out into the windy cold evening to participate in a peaceful protest – please try not to get all aroused and up in arms about us taking our children to a protest….it was a far cry from an angry anti-war riot!  The truth is that we love this darn park and the municipal government is about to tear it down, dig into the ground, take away the green space and replace it with a nice shiny new slab of concrete that will be made into a….

SKATE BOARD PARK.

Kill me.

Let me be clear in saying that I am absolutely not against the idea of a skate board park, in fact I am quite in favor of the teenagers having a super awesome place to slam their boards into the ground day and night but I am opposed to it being across the street from a residential neighborhood.  The part that makes me absolutely furious about it is the way that the community around the proposed skate board park is not being consulted, heard, or even acknowledged.  We are being told that the noise level will not increase and I find such a message ignorant because when there is just five or six teenagers in that park we can hear them quite clearly….this skate board park is projected to draw in hundreds of “boarders” and seriously Mark Grimes, when was the last time You heard someone skateboard?  I’m sorry but it is not a quiet activity any way that you look at it.   Mr. Grimes wants us to believe that the teenagers are just going to “go home” at 11pm when the skateboard park “closes” but this is not to be a supervised skate park so I’m wondering who is going to be around at 11pm to make sure all the obediant little teeny boppers find their ways safely back to their parents….certainly not Mr. Grimes.  I guarantee that we will hear the whizz, whirl, and slam of the skate board well into the late hours of the morning!  The neighborhood people have not been adequately consulted and I’m angry.

I’m furious.

This is not a joke, or something to be taken lightly…this is the park that the children in this community play in.  I’m so frustrated by our municipal government right now and I’ve taken the time to write letters to both Mr. Grimes and our Mayor David Miller about this situation.  I won’t even get started about how the skate board park is going to cost over FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS but apparently we have no money for swimming pools so those need to be closed down.  No, this is not a joke at all and when Mama Melissa gets angry about something it only motivates her to keep fighting.

So, yes we took our children to a peaceful protest in a little park…because it matters to all of us, them included.  I of course did not get Jacob involved in the politics of it all (because I also believe that children shouldn’t take on adult type problems) but I did let him be there, playing in the park that he enjoys so much and check him out….

Apparently he wanted to be on the front lines of the action….next thing you know he’ll be chaining himself to a tree.  Heh.

As I was walking to the store last night at about 10:45 p.m., I stepped out of my house and immediately could hear the whirl and thump of skate boards and as I walked I looked around trying to find where the noise was coming from. It was not until I was practically at the store that I saw two teenagers, using the lighted parking lot as a skate board park of their own and as I watched them I laughed….

No noise increase? Why is it that I could hear these two skate boarders from my house when the distance between my house and the store is TWICE the distance between my house and the proposed new skate board park. I think its hilarious that Mr. Mark Grimes would suggest that the noise level won’t increase….we are not uneducated, easily pacified individuals Mr. Grimes…

Put the darn skate board park next to your house because we don’ want it next to ours.

I’m sure as mom’s we’ve all had those moments in public where we’re not quite sure if we’re supposed to be amused or mortified.    I think most mom’s know what I’m talking about right?  That moment where your child says something at the exact moment that you’d rather he or she not?  I always thought I’d be the parent who just smiled, shrugged my shoulders a bit sheepishly and then comment about “how silly and fun toddlers can be” and so far its worked out pretty good; until recently that is.  On one occasion we were out and about and while we were waiting to board an elevator a woman that was about 6 feet tall and 500 pounds came to wait next to us.  I said hello to the woman and she responded with a pleasant hello back before turning to Jacob and saying “hello little man” and instead of responding with a cute “hello” like he would normally do, Jacob responded with the following while turning to me:

“MOMMY THAT’S A REALLY REALLY BIG MAN!!!”

At that moment I felt a pain in the pit of my stomach that I had never felt before and I’m sure that my cheeks became flushed with embarrassment while I scanned my head for what I would say next.  I’m a plus sized woman myself, not near 500 pounds, but overweight enough that I’ve had the occasional stare from a curious child or a comment like “why is that girl so big Mommy?” and I always vowed that I would teach my child to be different, to be accepting of people no matter their difference or size.  I can’t recall exactly what my body language was saying at the time but I remember taking a deep breath, smiling at the lady, then turning to Jacob and saying “Jacob that LADY is pretty tall, but You forgot to say hello to the nice woman”.  I’m pretty sure the woman smiled and gave me a nod of reassurance and in return I gave a sort of apologetic, I know how you feel kind of look as Jacob returned her hello with a resounding “hello lady, that’s a very beautiful shirt you’re wearing” – always curious and always charming are the two things I can count on Jacob for. Later, when we were away from the woman Jacob and I chatted about how great it was that everyone in the world was different and that’s what makes each and every person pretty special – I won’t lie, I didn’t know what to say and at that moment I felt apologetic for every mother I had silently criticized in the past for not being more fierce in their efforts to teach their child about respect for everyone.

For now, I still have the same plan I’ve always had about keeping open dialogue in our house about respect and loving everyone for their unique differences and abilities, hoping that it will rub off on the kids.  I’m a huge advocate of respect, tolerance, social justice and hope that I can instill some of the same ideals in my children but for not I’ll hope that we can take it just one moment like the above at a time…I know there will be many many more opportunities for conversation, and many many more moments where my cheeks get pink and I quickly scan my brain hoping for an immediate appropriate response….

After all, just this past Sunday in Church it was MY TODDLER who loudly held something up in the air, during the most quiet and reverent moments of the service and proclaimed “PRINCESS PRESTO WITH SPELLING POWER!!!”

Darn that television program Super Why…..Darn you!!

Time moves on and Violet is turns 12 weeks old.

“Having a daughter means knowing
That whatever else
you did or didn’t do,
You gave the world something beautiful.”

It’s that time of year again when everyone talks about doing their spring cleaning and if I was being truthfully honest I’d admit that I have never really partaken in the annual get off your rear and do some extra cleaning because it’s springtime. I wonder what it means to “spring clean” – I mean does it involve cleaning the outsides of your windows and getting the garden ready for spring planting? I thought about doing it this year, partaking in the cleaning of windows and the preparation of gardens but then I realized I’ve currently got bigger fish to fry.

Since Violet has been born the house has slowly been moving towards disorganization and while we do the occasional load of laundry here and there…there is a great big pile of laundry waiting to be done. The harsh reality of it is that I’ve been avoiding it all and trying to focus on learning to ropes of parenting two children at the same time…and every day the pile of laundry gets bigger, the disorganization gets more disorganized and the avoidance gets easier because the task seems so much larger then it ever did before. What it all really boils down to is PROCRASTINATION!

I’m not exactly sure of the exact moment that PROCRASTINATION marched into my home with his bitter personality and stale smell but surely in the weeks since Violet has arrived he has taken up camp here. We use to be good friends, PROCRASTINATION and I, back in my college days when we’d stay up late together finishing a report that I’d had 2 months to work on – I’d mumble and curse him for “doing this to me every time” and he’d stretch out on the couch with a smirk of accomplishment…somehow we still managed to pull of A’s so you can surely see why we have had a love/hate relationship over the years. For some reason PROCRASTINATION showed up again and there he lays stretched out on my couch, a dry martini in one hand a smoke pursed in his lips…watching me with that same smirk on his face, the smoke circling over his head like a sort of halo – when he speaks its a brief murmuring of the same old messages: “you can do it later” and “it won’t hurt to let it sit just one more day”…and for some darn reason I listen like his words are meaningful or something.

So because I’m sick and tired of our unwanted house guest, I’m taking the reigns and throwing him out on his dirty bitter butt this week and setting course for what I’m calling a “Spring Catch Up”. I’m sure he’ll hang out, perhaps peering into my windows with his beady pleading eyes hoping that I might open the door and allow him to saunter in again but OH NO…this time I’m not letting him get the upper hand!! I have big plans to do all sorts of things around the house including laundry, dusting, organizing the living room, putting away some winter clothing and bringing out some spring for the kids, and anything else of importance that I stumble upon this week. I’m pretty sure that with my confident, “no guff” attitude this week, PROCRASTINATION might be feeling A LOT of separation anxiety…

I’m sure he’ll get over it….I’m sure he’ll even make a visit again in the future.

I mentioned it prior to Violet’s birth but Mike and I are finally gearing up to make it happen….the spring weather is quickly approaching and we’re ready to take a huge leap of trust in each other that we can “trim the fat”. With my PCOS working against me it’s bound to be quite a difficult journey but I’m committed to work together with Mike to make this a family effort. We talked a bit about it last night and every month we’re going to set a big month goal and each week we’ll have smaller weekly goals – not specifically goals about how much we want to lose (because we’re just taking that as it comes) but rather goals about changes we’re making in our lifestyle.

This is going to be a very raw gut wrenching experience at times because we are not expecting ourselves to be perfect, we are aware that we will make mistakes, enjoy the odd cheeseburger and fries, and indulge in buttered popcorn if we ever find the time to make it to the movies….but the change is not about little indulgences, the changes is about the bigger picture as a whole. I’m starting at a pretty good spot because I didn’t gain very much in my pregnancy with Violet at all – I’m basically working from my pre-pregnancy weight right now and I’m looking at losing 80-100 pound overall but truthfully if I even dropped 50 I’d feel pretty darn proud of myself….every pound is going to be celebrated and appreciated as it comes off because it is proof of hard work and great focus.

So keep your arms and legs inside the ride at all times, refrain from standing while the vehicle is in motion, strap on your seat belt and join Mike and I in this journey – it’s going to be a bumpy ride but once it’s over I think it will have been the ride of my life.

The goal this week is to just “Figure the first step out and do it.”

Brace yourself…this could get ugly!