April, 2009:

I watched a show recently where the mother of a young child who was battling cancer said that she felt “lucky” that she had to go through this experience with her daughter.  Of course the question posed to this mother was “why on earth would you feel lucky that your daughter got cancer”  and the mother responded that she felt lucky to really truly know what life is all about.  The woman went on to speak about being given the rare gift of understanding the privilege of having someone in your life and the good fortune of being able to spend time together.  I think this is an important lesson for me to learn while I sit here with my two healthy children…I am gracious to have come across this woman’s explanation because its really provided me with a new set of eyes.

For the past couple of months we’ve been battling what I’ll refer to as a “mystery problem” with Jacob and after waiting for a long time we finally got referred to The Hospital for Sick Children and are being seen by a wonderful doctor who we appreciate greatly.  I’m choosing not to elaborate on the entire problem right now because I’d rather do a more in depth explanation when it’s all over  because it could be something or it could be nothing; my gut says everything is going to be alright.  Today we took Jacob into the hospital to have a procedure done under general anesthesia and I have to say that it was a very overwhelming experience for all of us.  I can offer nothing but the most sincere appreciation for the doctor’s and nurses at the Hospital for Sick Children who made the experience slightly bearable.  I went into the procedure today with my “new eyes” and my enlightened perspective and it really helped me to focus on remembering that I was so fortunate to have both of my children with me and healthy right now….in this moment.  When the procedure was over today we didn’t leave with any real answers but we do have a plan and I think that’s really what’s important here…our doctor believes something is going on that warrants investigation so we’re doing a medication for the next month to rule out the most obvious possibility and if that does not create any sort of change we will move on to what he calls the “million dollar investigation” which involves some tests and procedures that nobody wants to subject their child to unless absolutely necessary – with every ounce of who I am I think this is the way to go – I will not and can not subject my child to anything unnecessary without first ruling out the simple things.

All of this decision making and investigation over the last little while has really put some things into perspective for me and I have definitely only reassured myself of what I know to be true….As parents we make choices and decisions every day as we help our children adjust and grow in the great big huge world…..we might not always make THE right decision but we most definitely make the decision that we feel is right for that moment and then if turns out to be the wrong decision we learn and grow from that experience.  As parents we make sacrifices for our children, we put some of our own hopes and dreams on hold so that they can experience their own…..we gladly give up some of our indulgences because we have a desire to fulfill the needs of our children.  I crave and long for my children to have healthy long lives filled with love and anything above and beyond good health is just icing on the cake.  Through all of this struggle with Jacob I have learned that it is far better to have child that is healthy and does poorly in school then a child that is unhealthy and gets straight A’s……to have both is to be doubly blessed I suppose – but above all health and love is the most essential of all things.

I do not know 100% at this point what it is that is ailing Jacob (if it is actually anything at all) but I know that I will do everything in my power and in my realm of possibility to make sure that whatever it is or isn’t for that matter…is all sorted out.  I am hoping that the next month brings answers and recovery but I’m also hoping that with my “new eyes” I can let go of the worry and embrace every day with gratitude and love of what we have now….today.

I encourage you all to do the same…

Let go and live a little – it’s totally okay and you might actually enjoy it a bit and maybe get a pair of your own “new eyes”.

The odds of being diagnosed with autism 1 in 150
Autism affects approximately 67 million people worldwide
More children will be diagnosed with autism this year than with diabetes, cancer, & AIDS combined
Autism does not discriminate by geography, class, or ethnicity
There is no medical detection for autism

There is no cure….

Today is World Autism Awareness Day and most of us know of someone in our lives that are living with autism so I encourage you to get informed, raise awareness, and help make a difference any way that you know how.

www.autismspeaks.org

I was sitting in the recliner rocking with Violet and Jacob was standing to my right chattering away about the Wonder Pets and other fascinating toddler adventures when I suddenly smiled and said “I love my two babies”.  As if someone had suddenly clapped their hand over his mouth to silence him, Jacob stood there at my side quiet and with a rather perplexed look on his face.  I stared back for a moment, perhaps trying to understand what his brain was calculating and then he suddenly folded his arms, creased his brows and said the following:  “Just so you know Mommy, I am not a baby!  Violet is a baby and I am a kid”.  I tried with every ounce of my now broken mother hood to explain to Jacob that yes he indeed was a child but he would always be my baby boy to which he remarked with a pouty lip and the stomp of his right foot….

“I am not a child mommy, I am a KID!”

I thought about trying to explain it a bit more to him but it was too late he had already marched up the stairs to his bedroom.  I sat there in my chair with Violet clutched to my chest knowing that at least she was going to be my baby for a while, but a part of me was mourning….grieving the loss of my baby boy, once so dependent and now so independent.   I realized how much I’ve missed him relying on me for so much and how I craved to just hold him close the same way Violet wants me to hold her now…Perhaps it was the dejected pathetic look on my face or maybe it was the sound of my heart shaking in confusion and anguish only a mother could know, but a few moments later he sauntered down the stairs, climbed up onto the chair with Violet and I, wrapped his skinny white arms around my cushiony mid-section and pronounced – I love you so much Mommy.

That’s right….he knows it – He’s my baby forever…